When I worked at the parish I was known for my one-liner responses to various inquiries. I was thinking about some of them today:
Caller: "How do I baptize my baby?"
Me: "You put some water on it and invoke the Blessed Trinity."
Caller: "Can I be buried in any cemetery I want?"
Me: "Not until you are deceased."
Caller: "What do you mean we can't have a funeral [Mass] on [Holy] Thursday? Which one of you down there made up that little rule?"
Me: "Pius XII."*
Man who came into the office alone: "I'd like to schedule a wedding."
Me: "Do you have a woman? We only supply the priest, organist, and cantor."**
Upset lady who said she wanted to hug the tabernacle: "Why are you telling me all these things?"
Me: "Because you asked."
*Any rubricians want to check me on this?
**In my experience as a parish priest, it was exceedingly rare for the male party to initiate wedding planning in the first place, much less come alone.